"I felt the greatest feeling in the world with that person. How come we don't end up with each other?"
And this is the BIG question. Yeah, no matter how hard you work for that relationship that you are really valuing, you can't take away every little thing's capability to change.
Ako, hindi na siguro maiaalis sakin ang paghahanap ko lagi ng "kilig". I'm a really happy person and mas nasisiyahan ako pag yung feeling na nararamdaman ko ay yung kilig. I just knew that Librans, like me, really love the feeling of being in love. I totally agree with that because marami din akong friends na Librans and I can see that this is our common denominator. :))
Before, hindi ako nawawalan ng crush. Hindi ko alam kung malandi ako (though feeling ko, medyo. Haha) pero I always search for that feeling. Gusto ko kiligin, gusto ko ma-feel yung infatuation. Without thinking, that it can all get serious and go to the next level.
I also got rejected many times as I kept on searching for this kind of feeling. Rejected, in a way na, hindi ako nagiging crush ng crush ko dahil sa CRAPPY kong itsura at dahil sa EMO state of mind ko nun. I was the girl who surprisingly comes up with a really deep poem, oras na makita ko lang ang crush ko. Kaya nga gabundok yung mga tulang ginawa ko noon! Poems about happiness, and mostly, about rejections and other negative things associated with it. Hahaha! I'm actually curious what love feels like.
So there, I was really really crappy before. I did not stop searching for the feeling, and I also did not stop searching for that person na makakapagpaisip sa akin na I'm worth of real love even though I don't even know the meaning of real love.
But there's this guy. Hahaha. Eto na naman tong "there's this guy" na 'to.
And he actually made my world turn around. I started liking him the same way I started with those guys na nauna sa kanya. And I thought the results are going to be the same: "ligwak na naman ako". Haha. Pero hindi. And I'm happy because I really said to myself that I can't lose this now. I can't lose him now. And it partly came true!
So there, we eventually fell in love with each other, and as the days go by, we also felt that we are so perfect for each other. THAT was the relationship that I was looking for. We were like best of friends that time pero medyo mas mataas ang level. We had the best communication ever, the best moments, and we knew every inch of each other. Sa kanya ko lang naramdaman na sobrang special ko. Masayang-masaya talaga na parang heaven dahil everyday, he never failed to make me feel na mahalaga ako sa kanya. At that moment, I felt like I already stopped searching because I got the results that are more than I expected and more than what I wished for.
It is an ideal relationship. We were full of love, comfort and understanding.
We lasted for almost two years. We weren't complicated, but the things around us are. Akala ko nun, bacteria lang ang maliit na nagpo-proliferate at nagiging big deal. Pati pala problema. Haha. That was a weak punchline there.
There were questions inside my head while that problem is already taking over our love for each other. But this one kept bothering my mind:
Am I doing something worthwhile for myself? Something that will improve my state of being. Something, na maipagmamalaki ko, at may kinalaman sa totoong pangarap ko. Meron ba akong ginagawa para sa kapakanan ko, at hindi sa kapakanan naming dalawa o siya lang? It just felt like the relationship isn't working anymore. Parang hindi na namin natutulungan ang isa't isa. Pakiramdam siguro ng ibang tao, excuse lang tong ganitong statement, pero it just feels so bad kapag wala kang nagagawang maganda or importante para sa sarili mo. Lalo na kung may direksyon ka talagang tao, maiisip at maiisip mo ito.
Sa kalagitnaan ng pagkapagod ko noon sa trabaho, pati tong problemang to pinapagod din ang isip at puso ko. Then, I suddenly gave up on us. Hindi ko akalain na all this time, ako ang laging "ligwak", pero ayun, ako naman ang nakasakit. Walang may gustong makasakit sa iba, pero I think that was the moment I realized that I just need to stop hurting myself.
Things changed. Before, I was the girl who gets so much happiness when in love, and so much sadness when she gets rejected. But after this relationship, wala nang extreme emotions. I knew that I hurted too many people that time. I think I felt numb kahit ako yung pinaka-nasaktan sa lahat ng taong nasa circle ng problemang to.
By the way, he was my one true love.
In most cases, based on my experience and others that I witnessed, you don't necessarily end up with your one true love. No offense sa mga taong feeling nila sila na ang merong da best partner in life ngayon, pero I think karaniwan tong nangyayari. And I also think, na ginagawa talaga to ni God. He gives us the greatest feelings in the world then He takes it all away from you, because you have an important lesson to learn. Mistakes are best remembered kapag meron tong kasamang sobrang remarkable na feeling. In my case, He made me feel the highest point of being in love, for me to realize that I had to love myself first.
So don't fret, if you don't end up with the one you truly love. May dahilan yan, kung bakit nangyayari. Now, look.
Your feelings for that person is soooo great, that it makes you think about marrying him or her right? And let us go back to the definition of marriage. Marriage is actually a collaboration of two persons for the sake of the family that they are going to build up. FOR THE SAKE OF THE WHOLE FAMILY. Meaning, it includes your kids. Marriage is not only about the two of you. This is more like a teamwork and understanding each other all the time. Hindi na pag-ibig ang number one factor sa marriage. Siguro second na lang. Marriage is best described as teamwork. That's why you call your husband or wife your "better half", "significant other", or your "partner in life".
But still, thank God for that great feeling He made us feel. I'm sure that we learned all the things we should always remember, while living this life that He gave to each of us.
Ayun, medyo napa-seryoso lang. :)
